Anchors Away

I had an old friend of Mike’s stop by the house last week.  He was looking for Mike.  I had to break the news to him that he was about 2 years late.  He lives about 20 miles away, not far, but we had lost touch over the years, and I didn’t know where he lived.  He was one of those Navy friends that come and go in and out of our lives.  Their friendship began in the mid 1980’s.  They were young, mid-twenties invincible, and could party like there was no tomorrow.  I am guessing about 30 years have passed since they first met.

He had this sort of blank look on his face.  He had no idea that when he knocked on my door that the person he most wanted to see that very minute was no longer living.  He gave me a warm, caring hug and asked how it happened.  He listened and nodded his head, told me about his family members who passed away in the past years too, but never compared his grief with mine.  He said something that has brought back so many of my regrets.  He knew Mike was a very military minded person, even though had been retired for years, would still have a military hair-cut and be as fit as a Master Chief in the Navy could be. So he said with a lot of regret in his face and voice.  “I wanted to come here a few years back, missed Mike a lot didn’t come because I thought I was too overweight.” 

I just gave him a half-hearted smile and looked down at my own overweight body and said, “That’s too bad I don’t think Mike would have cared. “ I can imagine he drove home and thought about all the things he would have shared with Mike that day.  All the regrets he now has because of one single decision.  I can’t say that if Mike had this friend in his life before he died would have made a difference. It has however kept me up for the past few nights, well mostly woke me up after a few hours of sleep because I can’t get that comment out of my mind.

I too was one to put things off because of my weight.  Because I didn’t feel like I would or could fit in with the people I knew before or even new people for that matter.  Mike and I traveled a lot after he retired from the Navy.  We were only in our late 40’s when he retired, young enough to have fun and enjoy the sites.  Well menopause was my enemy when I got closer to my 50’s and man did my body want to abuse me in any way it could.  So needless to say, I did opt out on several occasions when Mike wanted to jaunt off to Jamaica or Mexico or even down to Miami for a long weekend in the sun.  Do I regret it now, you betcha.  More than anything in the world, I would love to go back in time and go with Mike where ever he wanted to go. 

I know I can’t change the past, but I sure as heck can change the future.  I will take some trips to places that I want to see.  I don’t think I will be able to revisit the places Mike and I went for a while longer, but there are plenty of other places in this great big world I can go.  I will have my bag of regrets forever, they are not as heavy as they use to be.  I am slowly learning that everyone has their own personal bag of regrets and what ifs. It is how I will display, decorate, and carry that bag that makes all the difference in this new life.