Careful What Makes You Happy

This morning I had the opportunity to put the top down on my mustang convertible after class and drive over to the nearest shopping center to do a little window shopping and maybe purchase a few items for spring.  I have been hold-up in my house for the past couple months doing on-line classes and trying to make some sense of my house.  I’ve moved the furniture around in my bedroom three times and once in my family room.
Well anyway I am getting off topic.  I love to drive my mustang with the top down.  It gives me a sense of freedom and youth.  At age 55 anything that makes me feel younger is a gift.  The wind was blowing in my hair and the sun was shining on my face, classic rock was playing on the radio and I suddenly have this overwhelming feeling that I am the luckiest woman in the world.  It was the same feeling had I had about 10 years ago when Mike bought me my first mustang and on these early spring days I had the opportunity to drive with the top down.
I would think to myself, “How did I get here?”  I am a product of divorce in the 1960’s.  My mom had four daughters under the age of 10, and my father left her for another woman and never looked back.  We lived in the projects in a small blue collar town in northwestern Pennsylvania.  I was raised on welfare cheese, and Toys for Tots.  Most of my relatives and their friends were sure the four girls were going to amount to nothing, just a strain on the welfare system.  My father’s mother, thought my mother should have just put us all in the local orphanage, (notice how I didn’t call her my grandmother) I never cared for that woman.  If I had stayed in that small town there is a good chance I might have ended up as they predicted.
So today when I had that feeling of being that lucky woman, it scared the hell out of me.  I let myself feel lucky and count my blessing many times in that car before Mike passed and what good did it do me? It feels like fate or karma, whatever you want to call it, slapped me in the face and told me to not think that way.  Then all I could do was say to myself, “I’m sorry for feeling this way, please don’t take anyone or anything else away from me.”
I know a lot of people will tell me that being alive, having a roof over my head, having friends and family that love me are all things I am lucky for, and I won’t argue with you. I had someone tell me once that I had to pay my dues to get and keep the blessings I deserved.  Worse part is this so called spiritual person did not know me from Adam and had no idea what and if I have already paid any so called “dues”.
Now when I think, “How did I get here?” It is more a reference to why am I a widow?  Why did he have to die, and how come it hurts so much even when I am happy?