Mike's Hugs

I woke up this morning and yearned for one of Mike’s hugs.  I thought about events in the news and for some reason I thought of how Mike would have reacted.  He was a sweet, loving soul. I remember the day of the September 11^th attack, I was at work when it happened.  Mike was newly retired and was going to school full time.  I came home and found him at his desk in the office, he had been crying and he was in shock.  We held each other for a long time.  I remember the feel of his arms around me, I felt so safe in his arms.  He stood 5’11” and was on average 200 pounds, he had the broadest shoulders in my eyes.  His arms always wrapped around me whenever we hugged.  He was not one of those men who just leaned in and let you do all the work when hugging.  He put his whole body in his hugs.  He had a way of gently squeezing while softly patting.  He would take a deep breath and then slowly let it out like he was giving you as many endorphins as you could possibly take.  He was never one to let go first, I could at times stand there in his arms for as long as I wanted, and he would never let go.

So this morning when I woke up, I really needed a hug from him.  I tried very hard to remember the last time we hugged.  I know when he was diagnosed with Stage IV Lymphoma at his doctor’s office we hugged.  I know we hugged quite a few time the day he was admitted in the hospital.  I know the night of his first chemo we hugged when he finally convinced me he was okay and I could go home and get some sleep.  But that hug was while he was in his hospital bed never, ever realizing those hugs in the hospital were the last ones I would ever get from him.   The feeling of security which I took for granted all those years, I will never have again. My daughters and I talk about those hugs he gave, how good they were and how much we loved them.  His brothers are pretty good huggers too, and whenever I get a chance to visit with one of them I make sure to get a few of those hugs.

I am not sure why the recent tragedies in the news were able to bring that emotion or that particular feeling to the surface, I can only assume it was because things like that make me feel unsecure.  Make me feel like there is no safe place, makes me want to find the safest place I can be.  For me it was always in Mike’s arms.  He was my hero, my knight in shining armor, my comfort zone.  It has been at least two years since my last hug from Mike, I know the reality of never getting another is hard to comprehend.