Widow Thought of the Day:

 On this new day
Time gone estray
Thinking mostly of sadness
To communicate the madness...
It wasn't a choice
I have no voice
My heart is blue
I just miss you.

-GB-

Wednesday Poem

Wednesday Poem

Get up
It takes more time
Start then
If I am ready...
Stay away
Don't want to cry
Come back
They make it hard
Say it
Can it be done
Don't worry
It happens to everyone
Go there
In need of help
Take back
To then is love

-GB-

Widow Thought of the Day:


Wishing Wednesday - close your eyes and tap your heels together three times and think to yourself.....

Widow Thought of the Day:

My Rainbow

Red is her rosy smile
Orange is her sun kiss love...
Yellow is her bright happy imagination
Green is her healthy growth
Blue is her beautiful heart
Purple is her favorite color

 

 

Mike's Hugs

I woke up this morning and yearned for one of Mike’s hugs.  I thought about events in the news and for some reason I thought of how Mike would have reacted.  He was a sweet, loving soul. I remember the day of the September 11^th attack, I was at work when it happened.  Mike was newly retired and was going to school full time.  I came home and found him at his desk in the office, he had been crying and he was in shock.  We held each other for a long time.  I remember the feel of his arms around me, I felt so safe in his arms.  He stood 5’11” and was on average 200 pounds, he had the broadest shoulders in my eyes.  His arms always wrapped around me whenever we hugged.  He was not one of those men who just leaned in and let you do all the work when hugging.  He put his whole body in his hugs.  He had a way of gently squeezing while softly patting.  He would take a deep breath and then slowly let it out like he was giving you as many endorphins as you could possibly take.  He was never one to let go first, I could at times stand there in his arms for as long as I wanted, and he would never let go.

So this morning when I woke up, I really needed a hug from him.  I tried very hard to remember the last time we hugged.  I know when he was diagnosed with Stage IV Lymphoma at his doctor’s office we hugged.  I know we hugged quite a few time the day he was admitted in the hospital.  I know the night of his first chemo we hugged when he finally convinced me he was okay and I could go home and get some sleep.  But that hug was while he was in his hospital bed never, ever realizing those hugs in the hospital were the last ones I would ever get from him.   The feeling of security which I took for granted all those years, I will never have again. My daughters and I talk about those hugs he gave, how good they were and how much we loved them.  His brothers are pretty good huggers too, and whenever I get a chance to visit with one of them I make sure to get a few of those hugs.

I am not sure why the recent tragedies in the news were able to bring that emotion or that particular feeling to the surface, I can only assume it was because things like that make me feel unsecure.  Make me feel like there is no safe place, makes me want to find the safest place I can be.  For me it was always in Mike’s arms.  He was my hero, my knight in shining armor, my comfort zone.  It has been at least two years since my last hug from Mike, I know the reality of never getting another is hard to comprehend. 

Anchors Away

I had an old friend of Mike’s stop by the house last week.  He was looking for Mike.  I had to break the news to him that he was about 2 years late.  He lives about 20 miles away, not far, but we had lost touch over the years, and I didn’t know where he lived.  He was one of those Navy friends that come and go in and out of our lives.  Their friendship began in the mid 1980’s.  They were young, mid-twenties invincible, and could party like there was no tomorrow.  I am guessing about 30 years have passed since they first met.

He had this sort of blank look on his face.  He had no idea that when he knocked on my door that the person he most wanted to see that very minute was no longer living.  He gave me a warm, caring hug and asked how it happened.  He listened and nodded his head, told me about his family members who passed away in the past years too, but never compared his grief with mine.  He said something that has brought back so many of my regrets.  He knew Mike was a very military minded person, even though had been retired for years, would still have a military hair-cut and be as fit as a Master Chief in the Navy could be. So he said with a lot of regret in his face and voice.  “I wanted to come here a few years back, missed Mike a lot didn’t come because I thought I was too overweight.” 

I just gave him a half-hearted smile and looked down at my own overweight body and said, “That’s too bad I don’t think Mike would have cared. “ I can imagine he drove home and thought about all the things he would have shared with Mike that day.  All the regrets he now has because of one single decision.  I can’t say that if Mike had this friend in his life before he died would have made a difference. It has however kept me up for the past few nights, well mostly woke me up after a few hours of sleep because I can’t get that comment out of my mind.

I too was one to put things off because of my weight.  Because I didn’t feel like I would or could fit in with the people I knew before or even new people for that matter.  Mike and I traveled a lot after he retired from the Navy.  We were only in our late 40’s when he retired, young enough to have fun and enjoy the sites.  Well menopause was my enemy when I got closer to my 50’s and man did my body want to abuse me in any way it could.  So needless to say, I did opt out on several occasions when Mike wanted to jaunt off to Jamaica or Mexico or even down to Miami for a long weekend in the sun.  Do I regret it now, you betcha.  More than anything in the world, I would love to go back in time and go with Mike where ever he wanted to go. 

I know I can’t change the past, but I sure as heck can change the future.  I will take some trips to places that I want to see.  I don’t think I will be able to revisit the places Mike and I went for a while longer, but there are plenty of other places in this great big world I can go.  I will have my bag of regrets forever, they are not as heavy as they use to be.  I am slowly learning that everyone has their own personal bag of regrets and what ifs. It is how I will display, decorate, and carry that bag that makes all the difference in this new life. 

In Time by Grief Barbie

Taking time for me
Is hard to believe

Try to make what I can't see
I still need to grieve

Take the space and make it mine
Changing it forever
But remembering all the time
You are my only lover

Don't rush the process
I'll be here for a while
I know there is success
It will be my own style