Yesterday was the 4th of July. It is a holiday that Mike and I usually shared with family and friends. Like everyone else in the nation, we gave or went to a barbecue and enjoyed the food and drinks of the day along with festive fireworks at the end of the evening. The last 4th of the July Mike and I shared together he was in the hospital. I have a photo of him holding a small flag in his hand. He isn't smiling, he is holding the flag and looking at me with determination and sadness. I won't share this photo, because there is something private about it.
There have been some signs in the house, mostly electrical these past few days. When I turn on a light in any room in the house more than not the light will flicker. I tell Mike hello and I love him and the flickering stops. At first it scared me, but now it seems to be a comfort. I am sure anyone of you can give me a perfectly good reason why the lights are flickering, but sometimes we just have to believe in something else.
Last night as the firework explosions light up my neighborhood, I sat on my back patio listening and watching and thought about Mike and our life together. I seems a little easier now to think of the past and not break apart. I had a widow friend over for dinner and sangria earlier and she went home before the skies got dark as just like neighborhood she did not want to drive through all the smoke and fire. I had a very nice visit with her, she is two years ahead of me on this widow journey and even though she is a few years older than me, we have a great deal in common. I thought the day would be hard, I know it was last year. I stayed up a lot later than I thought I would. I feared crawling into my bed and feeling the loneliness, so I had an little more wine as I sat outside and then waited for it to do it's job. When I went to bed I was able to fall fast asleep.
This morning when I woke, I turned on the light sitting on the night stand next to me bed and as usual, the light flickered a few times and I said good morning to Mike. I will spend the rest of the weekend alone, and that is okay. I have errands to run and projects to complete. My days and nights sometimes run together but they can be productive and positive also. My to-do list is always very long and at can be overwhelming, but I am determined and that is something Mike loved about me.
